Have you eaten at one of these pretentious restaurants?

“Hello, my name is Meghan, and I’m pleased to be your server tonight.”
“Hi, Meghan. What’s good here?”
“Have you ever dined with us before? No? Then please allow me a few minutes, bordering on a very brief and entertaining hour, to tell you about our restaurant.

“As I’m sure you know, this is a farm-to-table establishment, and our chef takes his mandate very seriously. He buys only organic and locally raised product. In fact, most of our vegetables are grown right here in Atlanta, inside the Perimeter, and brought to the restaurant in a horse-drawn carriage to reduce our carbon footprint. We consider ourselves responsible stewards of the Earth’s future. Why, we even compost the horse manure for our kitchen garden.”

“Well, that’s quite admirable. We are trying to catch a movie, so do you think we could be out of here by, say, 8 o’clock?”

“That may prove difficult. Have you ever heard of the slow food movement? We are glacially slow and proud of it. We believe good, wholesome food takes time to grow, to select and to prepare. Our cooks cure all their meats, pickle their own vegetables and chop all their firewood to order. The servers never, ever rush them. See that table over there? Those people have been here since Thursday, and they couldn’t be happier.”

“Then let’s get our order in right away. What do you recommend?”

“You must try our tomato salad. You choose the heirloom variety that most suits your mood, and the sommelier will bring out a perfectly matched wine. Gourmet magazine said that tomatoes haven’t been this good since the days of feudalism.”

“I see. Well, would you recommend the Zapotec Pleated Tomato?”

“Brilliant choice, sir. This pink Oaxacan variety has pleated ruffles and looks absolutely stunning on the plate.”

“And how does the chef prepare it?”

“He puts it on the plate. Taking a knife to it would bruise the flesh.”

“OK, sold. Now for my main course. I was looking at the menu, but it doesn’t appear that you serve any kind of meat other than pork.”

“Yes, the chef believes that pork is the only ‘cool’ meat. In fact, later in the evening he’ll come into the dining room wearing just a Speedo and a toque to show you his head-to-toe tattoos of primal-cut pork. Aren’t you curious to know where the Boston butt comes from?”

“Not really. I’m supposed to pick the breed?”

“Yes! Different breeds of heirloom pork have subtly different characters, and our sommelier would be more than happy to find a matching wine for the breed you choose. Trust me on this one: the Kurobuta rocks out a pinot noir.”

“Then let’s go for it.”

“Another excellent choice. I hope you realize that all of our pigs were humanely raised in an Inman Park Victorian and then personally slaughtered by the chef, who cried. Up until the end it was just like ‘The Real World: Atlanta’ for them.”

“Fine, could I get some bread to start?”

“Let me check on that. The girl who prepares it had a little accident at our grist mill today, so the bread service may be delayed. In the meantime let me call the aqua-sommelier over. In order to conserve our precious natural resources, we offer a choice of artesian spring waters from the four corners of the Earth.”

By JOHN KESSLER

John Kessler writes food features and a column about food and more for The Atlanta Journal-Constitution

I remember my first experience with a place like this.
The old Indigo in Morningside/Va Highland...what's the special of the day? " Morning harvested, virgin St. George blue scallops gathered by a left handed diver, roasted in parchment [ read, an old coffee filter ] with a gathering of late summer baby indian corn and heirloom tomatillos ......." as if the vegetables gathered them selves together on the plate...




Thursday, September 04, 2008